Poverty is a State of Mind… & Other Sorry Misinterpretations

So here we have a young (by Indian standards) politician, who has been lampooned and bullied on the social media, whose every utterance and word has been misinterpreted, quoted out of context and torn asunder by the armchair experts whose lives begin and end on Facebook or Twitter. His surname has been turned into his biggest liability. His family has been chastised. Questions have been raised on his education. And most worryingly, simple truths from his mouth have been converted into deceitful lies. Sad. What has the young political scion of the India’s oldest political party – which leaves behind a legacy of leaders and prosperity – done to deserve this? What have we accused him of? And what exactly did he say…

Poverty is a State of Mind…

Is it a goddamn lie? Have poor people not been accustomed to believe that poverty is good for them?? Are they not ordained to live in poverty, dependent on the state for their basic needs??? Here, we have a semblance of change being brought about in the way poverty is perceived. And what do we get instead – ridicule. “Thank you” everybody. Bring on the “Psychologists for the Poor” jokes, but sadly, the joke is on you.

India is a Beehive…

Our very own favorite white-bearded mass-murderer took it as a personal responsibility to tear this quote out of context. He went about railing “India is our Mother. Not a “Madhumakkhi ka Chatta”..” Seriously, we have this dumb interpreter to be our future PM? Is India not a complex being? From t=0, India has been a picture of chaos. And underlying this chaos are layers. Layers which give meaning to this chaos. This makes the entire system analogous to a beehive. Rahul was right. And sadly, the educated twitter trolls got it wrong. No debate. No argument. Just pure trollin’..

IF India is a computer, Congress is the default OS…

So he was talking to the Congress Workers. He was there to motivate them. And he made an absolutely acceptable statement. Congress has “Democratically” ruled India for a majority of the period since independence. No other political party understands the pulse of India better than the Congress. And as a default program, Rahul believes that his Party is best at understanding the pulse of the country – to ensure that any progress is seamless.

Jhansi of Rani…

Yes. A Slip of the tongue. But what is offensive about it? I would rather find “Kutte Ka Bachcha” more offensive – even if that was a slip of tongue. Evidence and post-interview behavior suggests that it was not. 11 years after his defining moment, this is the the mindset, attitude and language skills of the Opposition’s prime candidate. No wonder, friends have turned into foes quicker than the speed of light.

His Education…

Since when has the education of a politician been a prerequisite to lead the people? No one knows the educational qualification of NaMo. No one bothers to even ask. What we instead have are photoshopped images of Rahul Gandhi’s educational documents, floating around on the internet. Well, his educational qualification has been declared via sworn affidavits to the Election Commission. If there are doubts about his education, why are they not raised at a proper forum? Why is the principal opposition party silent? It is because there is no scam there worth even a dime. But it suits the armchair critics to raise questions and keep the embers of doubt burning.

Politics by Way of Eating Food in the Houses of Dalits …

Horrors of Horrors – he ate food in the houses of the poor, the farmers and the untouchables. How can he commit such an abominable and ghastly crime? We had politicians (Of all parties, including “Congress”) competing to divide the people on the basis of region, caste, creed and religion. And suddenly a kid, an elite Doon-School alumni “Baba” came out to ruffle the rules of the game. He erased the lines and showed that caste lines can be redrawn. Picture a rural casteist oppressor whose sees the scion of India’s ruling political party sitting and dining with the powerless and the meek. He gets a wake-up call. And the wake-up call goes to the poor oppressed too. If politics is about signals, this was a powerful symbol. Nothing signifies the impact of the symbol more then the way the gesture was rubbished by the pundits. He was not snatching the food from the poor; he was realigning the paradigms of casteist dynamics. Something which the “insulated from real world” arm-chair sound boxes just don’t get.

He Never Took a Stand on Issues like Delhi Gangrape etc etc…

What do we expect him to say – The obvious? That he finds these crimes ghastly, inhuman and despicable. Or were we expecting him to come out with statements like “I absolutely welcome such crimes and hope that these criminals keep up the good work…” Would statements from him have made the situation better? When the Home Minister, the Prime Minister and the President had spoken, what was the need for him to speak absolute nothings for the sake of the cameras?

Where was he holidaying partying at the time of Uttarakhand Floods?

 Next time, please remind nature to call up and strike at a time when the politicians are all reachable for their soundbites and aerial surveys. Cant, right. That’s the trouble with disasters – they strike unexpectedly. Unless of course, we consider the “Boys Who Shout Wolf” every day – the perennial disaster alerters. Rahul – well, we are talking of him, if you did not get the drift yet- was out of the nation. He came back when the magnitude of the disaster became clearer and his coming posed no hinderance to the rescue and relief efforts. Not so for the disaster tourists turned politicians, who came like Rambo, saved a million people with a couple of phone-calls, and then flew back to count the potential votes.

(Note: Of course you knew we were talking of him. People who read this blog are very receptive… 🙂 )

Rahul has his follies. He has his faults – maybe more than we expect. We call him a reluctant leader, who is being pushed to become a Prime Ministerial candidate. Maybe it is true.But a lot of criticism is misdirected. Definitely not a #PAPPU, as coined by the cyber-troll right wing of Communal Republic of India.

Rahul lost his Dad and Grandmother to violent deaths in childhood. Leaders who lost their lives while serving the people of India. A consequence of the decisions that they took with the collective wisdom of the Cabinets of those times. Rahul has lived a life more shaken and consequently more sequestered from the society. His Mother was concerned for him. Would your mother not be? He has still made a brave decision to come back and do what his father could not. That is a strong motivation. He has been tagged as immature.Image But remember, he has tried hard to understand this country. His understanding is today better than what we see or understand. He has democratized his Party’s Youth Wing – no mean feat. He has given calls for politics of positivity. And in the face of an abusive opposition, he has maintained decorum and calmness not usually expected in the slugfest of Indian politics. He has not been arrogant. He has not projected unbridled hunger for power. And he is acceptable to all sections of the society – except the numb, hate-filled Right Winged hordes. The Congress bungled up over 9 years. But that is no reason to bully someone, who has his heart in the right place. He has been realistic and accepted the challenges. Something which the people do not really appreciate, but which they should. There will be no magic wand. And no “Hero on Horseback” melodramatic solution to our countries woes. Solutions exist, and we will have to wrestle, grin and stay united to get over these troubled times.

No one remembers Inspector Francis Induwar. The brave officer was beheaded by the Maoists in 2009 – an indefensible crime. He died protecting us. Who empathized with his kids? No political points scored. Just mentioning – that Rahul is not what he is often made out to be.

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Olympic Shining…

Back when India was Shining, Delhi prepared to bid for the 2020 Olympics. Then things happened. The success of CWG and IPL happened. We got busy with committing crimes of morality and character. We next spent time protesting the very same crimes that we and our ilk are still committing. We worked doubly hard to ensure that our GDP growth slowed down. If we had some spare time at hands, we counted, recounted and compared the number of communal incidents in Gujarat with Bihar. One leader would not dare talk. Another would not dare stop talking. We won the Cricket World Cup. But we had even bigger glories – Kolkata Knight Riders won the IPL. Chennai Super Kings won the IPL. And then, Mumbai Indians won the IPL too. Sreesanth managed to get himself eligible to enter the Big Boss. Impressed by the macro-environment conditions for growth in India, Sunny Leone flew down to India. Somewhere in the melee, we managed to get our Indian Olympic Association banned. Our IOA Administrators took on IOC with courage that sadly our very same leaders miss when it comes to national security. John Abraham learnt to act. Ravindra Jadeja learnt to bowl.

Salman Khan took time off from driving on footpaths and did yeoman service to the society by attempting to make Rs. 200 Crore movies for those people whose IQs are close to Rahul Gandhi’s. He was successful. And Shahrukh Khan made his 300 Crore movies for exactly the same target audience. They both hugged, and the nation wept. Rohit Shetty made crap. Karan Johar made “Student of The Year”. Jagan Reddy became “Businessman of the Year Century”. Robert Vadra became “Farmer of the Millennium”. And then Yeddyurappa happened. Reddy Bros rose. And then they fell. YSR flew in a helicopter. Kingfisher stopped flying. Mayawati ran out of land to build statues for herself and her elephants. The Indian Rupee edged well past the Retirement Exchange Rate vs the Dollar to become eligible for Senior Citizen concessions. Meanwhile the US economy deteriorated, and now we come to an age, where a Dollar can’t buy Onions or Petrol in India. Of course, the resilience and inclusiveness of our economy, we can get food for 12 Rs a plate. Our Government declared a hundred Rajiv Gandhi Yojanas. Brand Gandhi transformed from mahatma to Rahul.

2G happened. Adarsh happened. CoalGate happened. RailGate happened. CWG evolved from Games to Scam. Srinivasan resigned from BCCI. Sachin Tendulkar did not. And Narayan Murthy re-signed on to Infy. Subbarao stopped signing on the Rupee. Raghuram Rajan started signing on the Re/-. Priyanka Chopra started singing. Honey Singh started rappin’. Rajini became Robot. Robot became PM. Aishwarya became Mummy. ND Tiwari became Daddy. Mamata Di got angry and left in a huff to Bengal. She had Maoists to hunt. Arnab Goswami got angrier. The Pakistanis came. Then came the Bangladeshis. Then the Chinese. Then the Burmese. The Lankans have always been coming. The Italians came a long time back. 1 Billion Became 1.3 Billion. Jobs went. Bal Thackeray went.  Dara Singh went to heaven. Vindoo Dara Singh went to prison. Chinese built Smart phones came, the smart people went. Yash Chopra departed. Uday Chopra came back.

Today, Japan has won the bid for the 2020 Olympics, while Delhi was not even in the race. And unless the Japanese cheques bounce or we export Kalmadi and Lalit Modi to Japan quick, Japan will successfully organize the games. No worries. After all, we could not win the Olympic bid because of global factors. The QE Tapering affected our chances. And of course, Olympics are communal. Maybe there was a conspiracy to keep us out – the ubiquitous Foreign Hand. Congratulate the Japanese and shout #MeraBharatMahaan. Poor Japanese, they can have the Olympics, we will still have Telangana and A.Raja.

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Rahul’s letter – Dearest Mommy !!

My Dear Mommy,

I am not happy. I don’t want to be the Prime Minster of this country. I think I have a better career ahead of me, which I will be spoiling by staying in Parliament. Why do you send me to parliament daily? It is so boring. I am reminded of my school days, where the Teacher droned, while the kids did their thing! Remember, you were not happy with the environment, so you shipped me to that lovely foreign school with white people. Now, why do I have to sit in the parliament? There are so many troubles in my life – I think even Yuvraj Singh was luckier with Cancer than this Yuvaraja !!

Half the parliament despises me, and the rest of the parliament calls me crown prince. No one speaks to me – everyone speaks about me, behind me and against me. Diggy uncle – where did you find him? He smokes some crazy stuff every morning. Honest to God – I asked him the other day – Uncle, should I eat oranges for breakfast.He said “No, Saffron Hand”

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Saffron Hand behind Nickelodean

It is the same story whenever I talk to him.

  • Uncle, Should I watch Nickelodeon on TV? He says “No, Saffron Hand”
  • Uncle, Should I buy Wipro stocks?” He says “No, Saffron Hand”
I really feel he is the reason for my delinquency. I had myself tested for IQ and Dengue the other day – I tested negative in both. Diggy Raja said “Congrats, you have all the requirements to become the PM”. I somehow feel he is just saying that to be nice to me.
I mean look at me. I cant say the difference between GDP and TDP. When Chiddu uncle drones about FDI, I just go blank. I have no scam to my name yet. Even Anna Hazare does not bother about me. Whenever people speak of Rahul, they speak of some Dravid guy – is he an actor? I saw him on TV once – playing the role of a cricketer. In the face of such surmounting obstacles – how am I PM material?

Mummy, I also don’t like going to strange people’s houses for Dinner. I like the options of Delhi in terms of Pizza Huts and Pizza Corners, though my favorite has to be the Pizza that mommy dearest makes for beta dearest  !!

I like travelling with my firang friends to exotic locales in Switzerland. Even now, my Colombian girlfriend says “Rahul, come lets get wasted in Amsterdam”. But Diggy uncle makes me eat dal-chawal in poor people’s houses. Dal chawal has no cheese. Really mummy, mosquitoes bite me. And the houses have no X-Boxes. Can you imagine – No Halo, No FIFA. Its like living in  1947. No Wi-Fi connectivity, I can neither check Facebook nor chat with Priyanka sorella 😦 And those poor people, they keep touching my feet with their dirty hands – do you know how much I have to spend at Habib’s after every dinner date with those poor people. Uncle said we will get votes and win elections. Listening to him, we got our a** whooped !

Mannu uncle, you made him the Prime Minister but look at what he is doing to the economy. The economy is screwed, the polity is screwed and even in Cricket, we are screwed under his leadership. Whenever I talk to him, he stays mum. Does he have bad breath? People call him “Mum”mohan Singh. I blame his turban – blue and unwashed since the birth of Christ, it must have eaten his brains or something.

I like Jija Ji though. We go biking and gymming together. He gives me Cadburys chocolates too. When he was accused of taking loan from DLF, I felt very bad, because it was not wrong. After all, being jamaai of Gandhi family must have some perks!! I still remember that when I was in school, kids used to give me food from their tiffin for “Free”. My friend Billu used to do my Social Sciences Homework, for free.  Now, can I also be accused of having loose morals?

Diggy uncle often makes me stop watching Cartoon Network and forces me to watch Times Now and NDTV. Is he crazy – the Arnab Man. He is so scary – I can’t sleep at night thinking of him. Always shouting and saying that the nation demands to know. I tell you mummy, the nation demands peace. Bah, as if it is not enough listening to Sushma aunty cry herself hoarse in Parliament.

Every second person I meet, every channel I see – I am told that the next elections, someone called Modi will be my competitor for the Prime Minister. Mummy, I have heard that this guy Modi is a bad boy who dumped his wife in some dustbin and then killed lots of people. That scares me mummy. I wonder why people will vote for him – are they dumb or what. He has given them nothing but development.

One more challenge is this man called Team Anna. Because of him, all people think I am in a corrupt industry. Do people even know that inflation affects politicians too? The rising expenses – sometimes I feel I should also apply for Below Poverty Line Card. But no, people just want to shout and burn candles and fast.

My Friend Kim - So Cool !!
My Friend Kim – So Cool !!

Really mummy, I sometimes feel jealous of childhood friends – Bhutto and Kim. They have it so easy. We have simply made it tough for Priyanka’s kids. Poor Rehan – he will probably have to slog his way by sitting for JEE and clearing CAT in future – poor him.

Please spare me this torture mummy. You can maybe try making Diggy uncle the PM. He has solutions to all the problems in this world. I will also vote for him if he gives me Cadburys. But please please please spare me. I just want to be with “Mommy” dearest.

Sad but Loving Beta,

XXOXX

Rahul

P.S: Ab Mummy, please answer my one last question: When can I get married?  I think even Salman will get married before me 😦