My Dear Mommy,
I am not happy. I don’t want to be the Prime Minster of this country. I think I have a better career ahead of me, which I will be spoiling by staying in Parliament. Why do you send me to parliament daily? It is so boring. I am reminded of my school days, where the Teacher droned, while the kids did their thing! Remember, you were not happy with the environment, so you shipped me to that lovely foreign school with white people. Now, why do I have to sit in the parliament? There are so many troubles in my life – I think even Yuvraj Singh was luckier with Cancer than this Yuvaraja !!
Half the parliament despises me, and the rest of the parliament calls me crown prince. No one speaks to me – everyone speaks about me, behind me and against me. Diggy uncle – where did you find him? He smokes some crazy stuff every morning. Honest to God – I asked him the other day – Uncle, should I eat oranges for breakfast.He said “No, Saffron Hand”
It is the same story whenever I talk to him.
- Uncle, Should I watch Nickelodeon on TV? He says “No, Saffron Hand”
- Uncle, Should I buy Wipro stocks?” He says “No, Saffron Hand”
- I really feel he is the reason for my delinquency. I had myself tested for IQ and Dengue the other day – I tested negative in both. Diggy Raja said “Congrats, you have all the requirements to become the PM”. I somehow feel he is just saying that to be nice to me.
- I mean look at me. I cant say the difference between GDP and TDP. When Chiddu uncle drones about FDI, I just go blank. I have no scam to my name yet. Even Anna Hazare does not bother about me. Whenever people speak of Rahul, they speak of some Dravid guy – is he an actor? I saw him on TV once – playing the role of a cricketer. In the face of such surmounting obstacles – how am I PM material?
Mummy, I also don’t like going to strange people’s houses for Dinner. I like the options of Delhi in terms of Pizza Huts and Pizza Corners, though my favorite has to be the Pizza that mommy dearest makes for beta dearest !!
I like travelling with my firang friends to exotic locales in Switzerland. Even now, my Colombian girlfriend says “Rahul, come lets get wasted in Amsterdam”. But Diggy uncle makes me eat dal-chawal in poor people’s houses. Dal chawal has no cheese. Really mummy, mosquitoes bite me. And the houses have no X-Boxes. Can you imagine – No Halo, No FIFA. Its like living in 1947. No Wi-Fi connectivity, I can neither check Facebook nor chat with Priyanka sorella 😦 And those poor people, they keep touching my feet with their dirty hands – do you know how much I have to spend at Habib’s after every dinner date with those poor people. Uncle said we will get votes and win elections. Listening to him, we got our a** whooped !
Mannu uncle, you made him the Prime Minister but look at what he is doing to the economy. The economy is screwed, the polity is screwed and even in Cricket, we are screwed under his leadership. Whenever I talk to him, he stays mum. Does he have bad breath? People call him “Mum”mohan Singh. I blame his turban – blue and unwashed since the birth of Christ, it must have eaten his brains or something.
I like Jija Ji though. We go biking and gymming together. He gives me Cadburys chocolates too. When he was accused of taking loan from DLF, I felt very bad, because it was not wrong. After all, being jamaai of Gandhi family must have some perks!! I still remember that when I was in school, kids used to give me food from their tiffin for “Free”. My friend Billu used to do my Social Sciences Homework, for free. Now, can I also be accused of having loose morals?
Diggy uncle often makes me stop watching Cartoon Network and forces me to watch Times Now and NDTV. Is he crazy – the Arnab Man. He is so scary – I can’t sleep at night thinking of him. Always shouting and saying that the nation demands to know. I tell you mummy, the nation demands peace. Bah, as if it is not enough listening to Sushma aunty cry herself hoarse in Parliament.
Every second person I meet, every channel I see – I am told that the next elections, someone called Modi will be my competitor for the Prime Minister. Mummy, I have heard that this guy Modi is a bad boy who dumped his wife in some dustbin and then killed lots of people. That scares me mummy. I wonder why people will vote for him – are they dumb or what. He has given them nothing but development.
One more challenge is this man called Team Anna. Because of him, all people think I am in a corrupt industry. Do people even know that inflation affects politicians too? The rising expenses – sometimes I feel I should also apply for Below Poverty Line Card. But no, people just want to shout and burn candles and fast.
Really mummy, I sometimes feel jealous of childhood friends – Bhutto and Kim. They have it so easy. We have simply made it tough for Priyanka’s kids. Poor Rehan – he will probably have to slog his way by sitting for JEE and clearing CAT in future – poor him.
Please spare me this torture mummy. You can maybe try making Diggy uncle the PM. He has solutions to all the problems in this world. I will also vote for him if he gives me Cadburys. But please please please spare me. I just want to be with “Mommy” dearest.
Sad but Loving Beta,
P.S: Ab Mummy, please answer my one last question: When can I get married? I think even Salman will get married before me 😦